


Lean on Me

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Reader-Insert, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 22:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14942987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Lean on Me

How can someone feel so alone when they’re surrounded by people that love them?

Why couldn’t your brain just fuck off for a while? 

For so long, you’d been fine. You’d been getting better. You were starting to look in the mirror and find things you liked. You were focusing on them rather than the things you used to hate. And it was working! The things you didn’t like started to fade away into the background. 

And then your brain had to go and fuck you again.

So here you were, lying in the fetal position on the couch wishing you were anyone but who you actually were.

Why couldn’t you be the beautiful people you saw on the street, or the people on the magazine covers. Sure they were photoshopped, but even before that they were miles better looking than you. They were probably just better than you in general. You just wanted to be anyone but yourself. Why the fuck had you been born into this fucking body of all the bodies on the planet? It was bullshit.

You couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. How did you go up to people that loved you and say ‘Hey, I hate myself. I wish I were someone else.’ Because those people love you, they see something you can’t see in yourself. 

For some fucking reason, Spencer Reid actually loved you. You believed it through and through - that he loved you with his whole heart. You just had no idea why. You weren’t particularly pretty or smart or kind. You were just kind of there. 

Spencer was going to be home soon, which meant you had to put on that face that said I love who I am and I’d never want to be anyone else even though it was a big fat lie. With that realization, you sunk deeper into the couch with no desire to move, angry at the universe for making you who you were while giving everyone else exactly what they wanted. Your limbs were heavy and the material of the couch was grating on your already sensitive nerves, but you couldn’t move. As a tear fell down your cheek and onto the couch, you embraced the crying spell. Might as well get it out now before Spencer got home. 

—–

When they first go together Spencer knew of the inner battles she faced. He didn’t really understand them because he thought the world of her, but she felt them and that was enough.

Every chance he got, he told her how amazing she thought she was, and when she wasn’t feeling it herself, he stayed, arms wrapped around her in a warm embrace. 

She’d been on the upper end of the bell curve lately and it had been wonderful. To see her embracing herself and her body and her being as a whole was everything he wanted for her. But being on a bell curve meant the inevitable downswing - she was all the way at the bottom, unable to climb up.

He didn’t know how to bring it up. Every time he had before, she’d avoided answering. But he desperately needed her to know that she wasn’t alone, that even if he couldn’t understand why she felt the way she did, that he could still be there and listen. Y/N was the love of his life - he would be there. Forever if she’d let him.

As he walked up the stairs, he prepared to see her exactly where she’d been the previous five days he’d come home. She got home from work and took a seat on the couch. 

Opening the door, he sighed softly. He could tell she’d been crying without even seeing her face. There was something hanging in the air. “Hey, love,” he said.

She shot around, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. It was obvious she’d been crying but she tried to cover it up. “Hey, Spence.” She gave him a weak smile that broke his heart in half.

“Can we talk?” He asked. “Like really talk?”

She glanced away from him and out of the window, but she nodded. “Sure.”

“I need you to know you’re not alone,” he started, lacing his fingers in hers. “It’s pretty obvious to me that you haven’t been yourself lately. Please talk to me - so you don’t have to suffer by yourself.”

“You don’t get it, Spence-”

“That doesn’t matter! You’re right, I don’t. I don’t get how you can see anything other than the beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, funny woman in front of me, but me not understanding doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the woman I love is in pain.”

Tears sprung to the corners of her eyes. “You already have so much to deal with. Why should I pile on top of that with my trivial bullshit?”

“It’s not trivial,” he said swiftly. “Your pain isn’t trivial. And I love you. I’ve chosen to be here in the good times and the bad. I want you to tell me these things because I want you - and I want you to be at your happiest.”

She closed her eyes against the tears and leaned into him as they fell. “I just can’t control my brain. I look at myself and I hate what I see. And then I spiral. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve you. It just goes around and around.” A sob escaped from between her lips and he hugged her tighter.

“Then we can work together to figure out a solution. It could mean going to therapy again. It could mean tweaking the dosage of your medication. But we have to talk to figure out the right path. Okay?” He grabbed the sides of her face and placed a kiss on her forehead.

Looking up, she nodded slightly. “I’ll try. You have to bring it up for a while, because I don’t think I can.”

“That’s okay. That’s why I’m here. So you can lean on me.”


End file.
